How I Successfully Willed Myself to Gain 20 Pounds in a Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of me trying something different. Of the turning point where I realized that certain relationships and situations had to go because they were ultimately distracting me from the big picture of where I wanted to be. A year ago I launched my first Astrology forecast video, setting the tone that I was serious about launching my dreams and bridging together a purpose and a passion. To celebrate, I’m holding a live call on July 9th at 8:30pm EST and you can sign up here. I would love to have you there as I share how I easily blend Astrology into my everyday life!

Up to this point however, there was always something nagging me. A nasty fear. It was the worry that I would gain weight and thus lose my credibility. It was that constant concern that actually willed me to manifest what I was so turned off by and in the span of 12 months, I managed to put 20 pounds onto my being.  As much as I hated it, there was a strange satisfaction from my ego, taunting me that everything I was building in my outside world could crumble if I don’t get this in check. And with every pound, it was confirming such.

It wasn’t until last week when the universe literally pushed me to my knees on my run, that I realized I needed to shift.

The weight gain was two fold really. At will, I’m an addict. When things are too good to be true or completely unknown, I reach. It use to be more brash substances such as alcohol or drugs however I’ve since learned to not to reach for those in desperate times. Instead, I went back to my old stomping grounds, food. The excitement of making my dreams a reality, of having people turn to me for guidance and being an expert in something was incredible. I didn’t know what to do with the rush of feelings so I grounded myself with food. Every single time. A successful event meant pizza to follow. A client makes a break through and I praise them afterward with ice cream. Instead of sitting with the glee, I had to transfer it to another source. My world was expanding, and apparently that applied to my waist line too!

There is also a pattern in our society, that when you’re thin you get attention. Either flattery or concern. When you’re overweight, everyone leaves you alone. After puberty, I was typically on the heavier side and was in a constant pursuit of body normalcy. However every time I lost pounds, I was hit back with waves of attention which I hated. People want to know how I did it or if I went overboard. I couldn’t never win. I just wanted to enjoy my healthy body and dress it up in fun new outfits. I didn’t like the new standard of approval I had to meet and would constantly fall back to my old ways. And as of recent, with launching a new business, I found comfort in the fact that I could hide behind the weight and no one would bring up my body or dissect it if I happen to lose more. It also kept me from other things that would distract me, like dating. I subconsciously created an armor to protect anything from getting in my way. Not stopping to realize that the more you close off, the more space you block from ultimately expanding in.

It is only fitting, a year later and steadily in the business I wanted (and truly am in love with), that this issue reach it’s peak. When I fell last week, scraping my hands and bruising my knees, it left me out of commission and I felt a whole new wave of appreciation for my body. It limited my ability to move freely and go about my day to day as I come to know. However that’s a freaking good thing. I needed a change up so I could see that this trending agony of weight gain could stop. And it’s more than the actual weight and image concerns, for me, it’s about going deeper. Of realizing I deserve this life I have created. I am worth it and have value to bring to others. And most importantly, I don’t have to ground my light. Those feel good vibes I get are gorgeous and meant to be contained, not weakened by an outer source. Today, I’m making the commitment to drop my armor. To embrace my life with love and reflect that back onto my body. To nurture the vessel that holds my beautiful soul. Today I know longer have to perfect anything. I can bask in the perfection that is the right now and the moments to follow will follow suit.

If you’re looking for ways to strengthen your relationship with food and your body, I encourage you to check out my friend and mentor Gabby Bernstein’s program Finally Full.

And here’s just a few more tips from me to you:

1. Full Acceptance. When I was building my business, there was a fear that maybe this wasn’t meant to be. That my dreams weren’t possible. And so the weight gain was my sneaky way of sabotage. However as much as I tried, my business still grew and I have a following of gorgeous people with the biggest hearts. I saw that they loved me for ME. Not for how my body looked. And honestly, I could be at any size and they would appreciate what I was offering them. And that is because I deliver from the heart. When I am with a client, a group or shooting a video, I am speaking from love and fully on your side. So if you are feeling a disconnect from your body, start to explore the value of what you offer the world. How are you a giver among family and friends? Take full acceptance of that role you hold and treasure it. Give it real worth. And understand that you are not defined by how you look but how your heart radiates and make others feel.

2. Come clean. I had to get real with myself and even vulnerable to shift this growing concern. It’s not easy when you are viewed as a expert in one area to have to admit defeat in another. However I knew that by vocalizing what’s going on (and not writing it off or cracking jokes like I usually do), I could get the encouragement and support I needed in a way to keep me going.

3. Balance. As with anything, moderation is so key. When I look back to my successful moments of a healthy lifestyle, it was filled with exercise I enjoyed, nourishing foods and fun moments with friends where we could explore good food together. It wasn’t the moments of binge eating in front of the TV or using adderall to keep my weight in check. It wasn’t being mean to myself or restricting my intake. Channel the fond memories of food, health and body movement and start to implement those back into your life. Make the joyous feelings of what a vivacious, satisfied body and life feel like the priority.

ice cream

Can you relate? Have you ever found yourself in one area of success and sabotaging another? What did you do? How are you still dealing with it now? Comment below as I’d love to hear from you! Let’s take off the armor and shine bright together!

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3 thoughts on “How I Successfully Willed Myself to Gain 20 Pounds in a Year

  1. Yes! Can so relate. Thanks for this – your honesty and also speaking to the exact thing that has been weighing (pun intended…) on me lately! Happy Monday 🙂

  2. I honor your journey and bow to your courage. 20 pounds up or 20 pounds down, you are a divine beacon of light in the world. Nothing can dim that! You are love itself.

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